Well Thursday I meet my doom .....

[SurfCutter]

I have my first court date this coming Thursday the 21st...., I find out just how badly I will be treated and how much the lawyers and my soon to be Ex will get ..... Feeling hurt , angry and worst a complete failure and hopeless ..... if the figures are added up It looks like to even get / stay on my feet will mean a second job and very little time for kids or myself just to make ends meet .... or to continue to live back home with my mom ....at least I will be able to see the kids still as I sink into total bankruptcy from lawyer costs , and what the courts will order I pay.

Bill G.

 

[Ron J]

Every case is different, yes, it hurts like hec in the wallet, and your head is spinning. I guess the only good thing is nobody is doing bodily harm too you! I'm sure it seems like the end of the world, but remember you have kids,that love you! At least at your Mom's, you have a stable roof over your head,and a place to bring your kids. Remember you have Mom for support. Tough to swallow all the legal crap,no doubt about it.. There are friends of yours, right here that hopefully give you some support mentally also. You will eventually pick up the pieces, start fresh,and make the best of it, just can't rush it. Take it easy.... been there.... So smile will ya!

 

[George-CT]

got pizzed while there at the first part. Can you believe they told me I was unfit for public display? Hey he asked me what I though of their equitable distribution program so I told him. They then gathered up the info, it went to the judge or a group of them behind closed doors. When I came back they read it off to me....finish business.... But it all worked out, I'm happier now than I was back then. I regrouped got back all that I though was so important then and then some. Life goes on. I found another women, had more kids, still get along and see my kids from that marriage and all things considered, life is good. If you keep beating yourself you never heal. I felt bad for the hurt the kids felt but the rest of it. Water over the dam. Courts are not my favorite place for sure. My Dale Carnige course
didn't work to well there. My win friends and influence people needed more work. I got it down now. cheer up, it gets better....

Geo-CT

 

[Royal]

it gets tight but what people have to realize is that this is not a big problem. It is a whole bunch of little problems that are bunched in a ball and gets overwhelming. These little problems can be solved if you just solve them one at a time.

If you have to work more to pay your debts, do it. I had to work an ungodly amount of overtime for a long time. I had alimony for 6 years and the child support and I didn't like it but I paid it and survived. I didn't like it but just didn't think about where it was going and what she was doing with it but I just thought as the alimony as another bill. Had to be paid. Just the way it was.

Divorce is a butch but shat happens. It is a rare couple that does not go through it and I have twice. Shat happens.

If your insurance provides mental health benefits, take advantage of it. It can help if you are willing to talk and be honest. If you are into the blame game, forget it.

Don't EVER EVER EVER use the kids as a weapon against your wife. The kids will see it and remember it. Don't be surprised if she does though. Don't buy into it.

One year from now much of the pain will be eased.

The biggest advice I can give you right now is DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH THE FIRST GAL THAT BEDS WITH YOU!!! She is a patch and not a cure. You are probably a patch for her too and it will not last. Go out and have fun but be careful. It is fun out there and what you make it.

Keeping your head on straight is the most important thing. Money don't mean squat because you can make more if you work. Your life will change but what the hell, that is what life is, change.

Good luck and take care

 

[Arkie John]

n/t

 

[Rob/Windsor Ont.]

But Royal, George and Ron's advice is well spoken. Personally, if it's an option, I'd live with your mom for a while. Company's a good thing, particularly at the onset. The money thing sucks as well but in truth, it'll be secondary in no time. This hobby of ours doesn't break the bank and quite frankly, I sure wished I was involved in it when I went through my divorce. These are the things that'll help keep you grounded......and give you something, however small, to look forward to. It's essential to have some things other than blind hatred to fill your days. As for being a "failure" buddy, DON'T ever buy into it. Sheer nonsense. There's many ex's out there only too willing to pin that label on a former spouse........some even spend their lives in pursuit of being successful at just that,.... but leave that dirty work, along with it's poison to them. I'm speaking from experience Bill......twenty-five years of it. As much as is within you bud, avoid badmouthing the ex in front of the kids. And don't feel bad about saying things like......I can't afford that, if it's the truth. Looking yourself in the mirror is going to mean much more to you than any "paybacks" ever will. That'll only get you even bud....... the easiest, quickest and best way to climb out of this quagmire is to finish "ahead". Take the high road Bill.........you'll be glad you did. You'll discover that their IS life after a divorce and many times it's better than you thought possible. And that's the truth !

 

[Royal]

they said something like, "I will just give them their half and go my way" Yeah, right I told both of them that everything is split, she gets half and you get half but wait until you get a look at the size of THEIR half!! They didn't teach that kind of division in MY school but that must be the new math.

Money is not worth ruining your life over. Just pay what you gotta and get on with your life. Both sides usually think they were screwed and they probably were. Most women in my experience think they deserve EVERYTHING and the guy feels like they are giving it but in the end, it was always worth it.

A divorce is never just one persons fault and it is an experiment. Some times the chemicals do not mix.

My ex sister in law, I always thought of her as my slut in law, was married 5 or 6 times. One time she was a bellyaching about every guy she gets is a drunk. I told her to think about it. She meets them in a bar and she probably looks good when they are drunk and the fact that she is, or was, a drunk probably had something to do with it.

We pick who we marry and some people make the same mistake over and over.

 

[Rob/Windsor Ont.]

n/t

 

[bdahunter]

Two of my friends realized after 9 years of marriage that they had changed radically from the time they got married in their early twenties. Life had simply drawn them apart though they were still good friends and respected each other. They talked to lawyers and saw how much the legals were going to cost them so being rational people who still respected each other, they sat down at the kitchen table and divide things up in a way that both felt was fair. The money they saved on lawyers bills they used to throw a Huge Party for all their family and friends, including the original wedding party. We all toasted the memories and their future lives as individuals again.
I have to admit that I've only seen this happen once in my life but it sure would be nice if it ever caught on.
Often people have unrealistic ideas about how life is going to be after the settlement and the lawyers prey on this misconception. Everyone winds up poorer, except the lawyers. I hope you can get a reasonable settlement, not much chance with the lawyers involved though, it's all about the billable hours.

Cheers,

BDA

 

[Wayne in BC]

ya many of us have been there and it is tough. Stick with it, you will survive just fine.

 

[Rob/Windsor Ont.]

n/t

 

[Sunny]

thing to go through, as I was brought up to believe getting married and STAYING married was forever. Boy was I ever dealt a few blows! I am not proud of it, but I can say I NEVER badmouthed the kids dad in front of them, I didn't try to ruin his life, and I let the kids see him ANY time they wanted to. Today, years after, we can talk to each other and be around each other and it's okay, because neither of us was willing to give up the birthdays, or holidays, nor ruin these times for the kids and grandkids that came along. Our differences were not created by the kids, and I pray your ex will keep this in mind. They are not ammunition to use against each other.

Do what you can to survive the best you can, and get some help with all the "mentalness" of it all. It really does help. Support from ANYONE is better than trying to figure it out all by yourself.

Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers!!

 

[Sunny]

keep the house for a few years (which was my old home place) until he could get himself situated, and it was right next door to my mother! Though my heart was broken, we could not get things to work out between us. He refused to go to counseling............and 25 years dissipated. I consider this the biggest failure of my life, but I just pulled myself up by the bootstraps and kept on keepin' on. It's the only thing you can do! Someone once told me I was the kind of girl a guy liked to divorce, because i didn't try to ruin his life! At the time, I wasn't quite sure if this was a compliment or a put down,........still don't!

 

[WillyP]

I am on my third marriage. I've been called crazy by my buddies but I like being married and I knew one day I'd get it right.

On Thursday, try very very hard to keep a level head. Especially in court. Things will be said that you know aren't the truth but hold your tongue. If and when you get to say anything be clear, precise and most of all CALM! Keep the love of your children in mind at all times. They are the ones that will be hurt the most and it's not thier fight. If you prove yourself to be a stable, caring and most of all calm father, it will go a long way in your favor. As Royal said, never speak poorly of your ex (thier mother) in front of them. It's easy to do but serve's no purpose. Believe it or not, you two may eventually find yourselve's working together to help your children through many of life's problems. My ex and I can actually sit down, have a coffee and work on issues that concern our children and actually agree.

As time goes on, your children will figure out what's what and they will remember you being there for them and being a stand-up guy who never bad-mouthed thier mom. Trust me, this is important. Be honest with them (as much as you can be, considering thier age).

Royal's right on. Money is the least of your worries. You can always make more. Make the change in thier lives seem like sort of an adventure. I got out with nothing and had to rent a bedroom of a family I knew. One bed, two kids....they took turns sharing the bed with dad and the other would sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor. They still talk about those days when, in fact, I had to choke back tears because I had worked so hard to give them a fine home and now had to live like that. Again, for them it was an adventure. They hurt alot because of the divorce but i just kept smiling around them and tried to find (very) cheap entertainment for us all. like Royal, I worked many hours for diffrerent companies to make up the financial loss. Didn't hurt a bit. Did it for my kids.

You are going to do fine because (if you are the man you seem to be on this forum) you sound like a great father and an honest man. Mistakes are made. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage if we are honest with ourselves. If you feel guilty about something you've done or believe you've done......let it go. That crap will hold you back. Get out. Meet people. Date some ladies. Live! You are a lucky man......even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

To your future, Bill. Cheers.

 

[WillyP]

You are a fine Lady. I have known many men and women in my life and you are a fine Lady! Scott is a very lucky man and I believe envied by many men you know. Our walk and talk in the field out behind Mike and Alices really gave me a clear picture of who you are. I believe everything you told me and I am am very proud to call you "friend". I don't think you have it in you to "ruin" a man's life or change it, only enrich it. Glad I met you!

 

[Micheal_R]

Pretty much all that could be said, has been..... and by better people than me. However, I believe that everything that royal, Willy, Ron, Wayne, Linda, et al is the truth. Keep your head about you, take the high road and tough it out. You will manage to get through this

Good luck.

Fair winds

Mikie

 

[Micheal_R]

In the years that I have known you, I have seen only an honest and beautiful person. Scott is a very lucky man!!

Calm seas

Mikie

 

[Rob/Windsor Ont.]

n/t

 

[Larry (IL)]

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