A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
>
> If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
> you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
> regular
> workout routine.
>
> Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
> personal training at the local health club for me.
>
> Although I am still in grea t shape since being a high school football
> cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
> and
> give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
> Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
> model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
> My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
> worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
> She is somethi ng of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and
> a
> dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
> machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
> aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
> encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
> holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
> FANTASTIC
> week!
>
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
>
> Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
> she put weights on it! My legs were a littl e wobbly on the treadmill, but
> I
> made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
> feel
> GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
>
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> counter
> and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
> both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
> parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> club
> members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
> she scolds, she gets this nasally whine th at is VERY annoying. My chest
> hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
> Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
> rendered
> obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
> enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
>
> THURSDAY:
> Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> thin,
> cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
> an
> hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
> ran
> and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me
>
> Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
>
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
> other
> human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic
> little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
> unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
>
> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
> you don 't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or
> anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and
> I
> landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
>
> Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
> choir
> director?
>
> SATURDAY:
> Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> voice
> wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
> smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
> use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
> Weather
> Channel.
>
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
> root canal or a hysterectomy.
>
> I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the
> floor with diamonds!!!
>
> If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
> you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
> regular
> workout routine.
>
> Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
> personal training at the local health club for me.
>
> Although I am still in grea t shape since being a high school football
> cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
> and
> give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
> Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
> model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
> My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
> worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
> She is somethi ng of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and
> a
> dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
> machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
> aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
> encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
> holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
> FANTASTIC
> week!
>
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
>
> Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
> she put weights on it! My legs were a littl e wobbly on the treadmill, but
> I
> made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
> feel
> GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
>
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> counter
> and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
> both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
> parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> club
> members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
> she scolds, she gets this nasally whine th at is VERY annoying. My chest
> hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
> Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
> rendered
> obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
> enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
>
> THURSDAY:
> Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> thin,
> cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
> an
> hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
> ran
> and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me
>
> Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
>
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
> other
> human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic
> little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
> unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
>
> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
> you don 't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or
> anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and
> I
> landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
>
> Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
> choir
> director?
>
> SATURDAY:
> Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> voice
> wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
> smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
> use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
> Weather
> Channel.
>
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
> root canal or a hysterectomy.
>
> I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the
> floor with diamonds!!!
