Thanksgiving....................
Dining Without Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised.
Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.
After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of
flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not
decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.
Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in
colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china,
or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.
Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate
and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised.
Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest
construction paper. The artist has assured me that it is a turkey.
5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait.
I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I made this morning
regarding Thanskgiving, the pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of
these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard
enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a
recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording
of that tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in
a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast
We chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal
seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit
where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table
in a room next door.
7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey
in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our
dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I
stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to
laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I
have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will
eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
8. I would like to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play.
Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.
9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially
while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its
lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins
or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice among 12 different
scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped
cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice, take it or leave it.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL
Dining Without Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised.
Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.
After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of
flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not
decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.
Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in
colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china,
or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.
Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate
and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised.
Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest
construction paper. The artist has assured me that it is a turkey.
5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait.
I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I made this morning
regarding Thanskgiving, the pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of
these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard
enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a
recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording
of that tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in
a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast
We chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal
seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit
where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table
in a room next door.
7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey
in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our
dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I
stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to
laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I
have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will
eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
8. I would like to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play.
Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.
9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially
while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its
lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins
or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice among 12 different
scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped
cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice, take it or leave it.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL
