Man.....I hope I never get this old.................................:laugh:

[WillyP]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo,
the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm.. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says.
She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
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FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94 year old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
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I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
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SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked,
she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex..' She walked up to an elderly man
in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
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ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: 'You used to hold my hand when we
were courting.' Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: 'Then you used to kiss me.' Mildly irritated, he reached across,
gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: 'Then you used to bite my neck.'
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 'Where are you going?' she asked.
'To get my teeth!'
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, 'Anyone who can guess what's in my hand
can have sex with me tonight!!' An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, 'An elephant?'
Bessie thinks a minute and says, 'Close enough..'
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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all
kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times
a week to playcards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard
his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Hell,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
_____________________________________

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just
went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been
red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous at the next intersection,
and sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh! Am I driving?'

 

[Royal]

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[Cupajo]

 

[Micheal_R]

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[Cupajo]

I found myself behind two old ladies on the on ramp headed south over the Connecticut River. I could barely see the drivers head peering through the steering wheel when I started to pass. They were crawling along at 35 miles an hour when they finally made it to the bridge and they weren't accelerating as they pulled onto US95 south! I pulled my one ton black Chevy van in behind them and put on my hazard lights to hopefully prevent someone rear-ending my van. The car made it all the way to 40 MPH by the time they passed the second exit nearly a mile and a half down the road!

I got on the cell and called the state cops, gave them the license number and let them know I was in fear for the ladie's lives as well as my own.

The cop asked where they were just as the car made an exit into Old Saybrook over two miles down the road. I was told they were off the main highway so I would have to talk to the local cops and they transferred my call.

When I again described what was going on the locals asked where the car was and I gave them the location. They then asked how fast the car was travelling and when the officer learned the ladies weren't breaking the speed limit I was told that sorry, we can't do a thing!

My wife witnessed an old fellow pull out in front of a local plumber without even slowing for a stop sign. The plumber slammed on his brakes so hard that all the pipes and things he had on the top of his van went flying off down the road. My wife saw the plumber jumping up and down on the side of the road waving his arms and yelling like a crazy man!

This same old gent had a major accident on the above bridge and nearly died and later yet another accident that was ultimately the cause of his death. I had seen him pull out of side streets before without so much as a glance to either side.

Another old fellow dropped his wife off at work in Old Saybrook and started back to Old Lyme and missed his exit. His wife got a call from the Providence Rhode Island police over eighty miles away, that they had her husband in a dazed and confused state and would she please come and get him. Luckily he pulled over in Providence and somehow no one got hurt.

I hope I have the good sense to stop driving before I get so far along that I am such a hazard!!

Cupajo

 

[Sunny]

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[George-CT]

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[Cupajo]

Lots of Laughs in these posts! Thanks folks we need em!