Vernon in Virginia~Formerly Alaska
New member
Dave in Idaho writes about our drive from Alaska to the lower 48 states;
Vernon and I had been on the road 11 hours, traversing most of Alaska when we rolled up to the Canadian border. I was driving and stopped at the window at the guard station. There was no other vehicles in sight and we had not seen any for a long time. The window opened and I expected a cheerful "Welcome to Canada" or something like that. It was not to be, the station was manned (Or girled) by Matillda the Hun, border guard and hater of all mankind. I failed to get an actual photo of her, I am not sure she would have showed up on film, or even in a mirror. I did find a photo that was a lot like her, but it does fail to capture her malevolence. Also she never smiled, no, not even once.
To better understand the situation, think of how high on the pecking order you would have to be to pull duty at the Yukon/Alaska border at 2:00 am. She was not a happy camper even before we entered her little world. I must describe her, she was about 5 foot tall, blond, and all of 21 years old. I think there was still evidence of the paper hat hair she had from her last job where she would be saying,"Do you want fries with that?" She was wearing a bullet proof suit, on anyone else it would have been a vest. On her chest was the tiniest badge I had ever seen. It was like an official tie tac. Even with it's diminutive size it was more than large enough to cover her heart. I smiled at her, she glared back at me like I owed her money and started a conversation that went like this.
Guard, "Why are you entering Canada?"
Vernon, "I am moving my family from Alaskan to Virginia."
Guard, Rolling her eyes, "Why are you entering Canada?"
Vernon, "I am moving my family to Virginia."
Guard, Rolling her eyes again, "Why are you coming into Canada if you are moving to Virginia?"
David, trying to help, "Look at a map, if you want to drive from Alaska to Virginia, Canada gets in the way and we have to cross it to get to Virginia."
Guard, rolling her eyes so far back in her head that only the blood shot whites were showing, "Why do you want to move to Virginia?"
Vernon, "Because I am sick of Alaska."
Guard, sneering, "What is in the trailer?"
David, being helpful again, "All of his belongings, he is moving to Virginia you know. Have you heard?"
Guard, glaring and hissing, "I want to see a list of everything you have in that trailer right now!"
Vernon, "I have talked to the Canadian authorities about all this and they said I did not need a list like that."
Guard, a little foam around her puckered mouth, "Don't get cute with me or I will make you unload every last item in that trailer and your truck out on the ground so I can inspect it all!!"
Vernon, "What do you want us to do?"
Guard, squinting with rage, "I want to see some I.D. RIGHT NOW!"
Vernon handed her his Driver licence and military I.D.
She looked at it and at him with a look of contempt.
I then handed her my Concealed weapon permit and drivers licence.
She looked at me like I had just declared war on Canada, or had yelled."Hockey sucks!"
Guard, "Let me give you a little advice, when you come into MY country don't show me a concealed weapon permit for I.D. I might think you have a gun!"
David, cheerfully, "I thought you would appreciate the fact that the F.B.I. had done a background check on me and I was a clean law abiding citizen."
Guard, pulling herself up to her full height, "DO you have any guns in there?" (I think a wisp of smoke came out between her teeth, and I know I could hear the wails of the damned.)
Vernon, "Yes mam, two rifles and two shotguns, right here behind the seat."
Guard, "PULL THAT THING OVER AND GET IN HERE R I G H T N O W!!!"
We parked and entered the building to be greeted by Matillda and two Doberman pinchers. The dogs were very big, almost as big as some of the wolves that had been trailing us ever since we got lost in Alaska.
I asked her if those were Canadian Pinchers. She was not amused. Those dogs kept looking at me like a porkchop while Vernon filled out a mountain of paperwork to explain why he had guns, and why he should be allowed to drive through Canada with them.
The guard disappeared onto a back room, probably to file her teeth or to take a nap in the dirt of her native soil. One of those hell hounds kept looking at me with unblinking eyes and licking his lips. I told Vernon that if that thing attacked me I was going to feed him my left arm while cutting his throat with the Cold Steel tanto I had in my pocket. Vernon just said, "We are in enough trouble without you killing dogs. Let him bite you."
After paying 50 bucks to the guard for the privilege coming into Canada with guns, she growled at us and told us to get on our way. Obviously our charming ways had cooled her temper enough that we did not have to unload that trailer out on the frozen ground in the 30 below night just to prove a point.
As we walked out the door she disappeared again. I distinctly remember hearing what sounded like the flap of bats wings. Never mind,on the road again.
Well it is now 0300, dark. and cold. We are low on fuel and a little shook up after our encounter with the princess of darkness. On into the Yukon winter night. Stay tuned for the next chapter. DC
Vernon and I had been on the road 11 hours, traversing most of Alaska when we rolled up to the Canadian border. I was driving and stopped at the window at the guard station. There was no other vehicles in sight and we had not seen any for a long time. The window opened and I expected a cheerful "Welcome to Canada" or something like that. It was not to be, the station was manned (Or girled) by Matillda the Hun, border guard and hater of all mankind. I failed to get an actual photo of her, I am not sure she would have showed up on film, or even in a mirror. I did find a photo that was a lot like her, but it does fail to capture her malevolence. Also she never smiled, no, not even once.
To better understand the situation, think of how high on the pecking order you would have to be to pull duty at the Yukon/Alaska border at 2:00 am. She was not a happy camper even before we entered her little world. I must describe her, she was about 5 foot tall, blond, and all of 21 years old. I think there was still evidence of the paper hat hair she had from her last job where she would be saying,"Do you want fries with that?" She was wearing a bullet proof suit, on anyone else it would have been a vest. On her chest was the tiniest badge I had ever seen. It was like an official tie tac. Even with it's diminutive size it was more than large enough to cover her heart. I smiled at her, she glared back at me like I owed her money and started a conversation that went like this.
Guard, "Why are you entering Canada?"
Vernon, "I am moving my family from Alaskan to Virginia."
Guard, Rolling her eyes, "Why are you entering Canada?"
Vernon, "I am moving my family to Virginia."
Guard, Rolling her eyes again, "Why are you coming into Canada if you are moving to Virginia?"
David, trying to help, "Look at a map, if you want to drive from Alaska to Virginia, Canada gets in the way and we have to cross it to get to Virginia."
Guard, rolling her eyes so far back in her head that only the blood shot whites were showing, "Why do you want to move to Virginia?"
Vernon, "Because I am sick of Alaska."
Guard, sneering, "What is in the trailer?"
David, being helpful again, "All of his belongings, he is moving to Virginia you know. Have you heard?"
Guard, glaring and hissing, "I want to see a list of everything you have in that trailer right now!"
Vernon, "I have talked to the Canadian authorities about all this and they said I did not need a list like that."
Guard, a little foam around her puckered mouth, "Don't get cute with me or I will make you unload every last item in that trailer and your truck out on the ground so I can inspect it all!!"
Vernon, "What do you want us to do?"
Guard, squinting with rage, "I want to see some I.D. RIGHT NOW!"
Vernon handed her his Driver licence and military I.D.
She looked at it and at him with a look of contempt.
I then handed her my Concealed weapon permit and drivers licence.
She looked at me like I had just declared war on Canada, or had yelled."Hockey sucks!"
Guard, "Let me give you a little advice, when you come into MY country don't show me a concealed weapon permit for I.D. I might think you have a gun!"
David, cheerfully, "I thought you would appreciate the fact that the F.B.I. had done a background check on me and I was a clean law abiding citizen."
Guard, pulling herself up to her full height, "DO you have any guns in there?" (I think a wisp of smoke came out between her teeth, and I know I could hear the wails of the damned.)
Vernon, "Yes mam, two rifles and two shotguns, right here behind the seat."
Guard, "PULL THAT THING OVER AND GET IN HERE R I G H T N O W!!!"
We parked and entered the building to be greeted by Matillda and two Doberman pinchers. The dogs were very big, almost as big as some of the wolves that had been trailing us ever since we got lost in Alaska.
I asked her if those were Canadian Pinchers. She was not amused. Those dogs kept looking at me like a porkchop while Vernon filled out a mountain of paperwork to explain why he had guns, and why he should be allowed to drive through Canada with them.
The guard disappeared onto a back room, probably to file her teeth or to take a nap in the dirt of her native soil. One of those hell hounds kept looking at me with unblinking eyes and licking his lips. I told Vernon that if that thing attacked me I was going to feed him my left arm while cutting his throat with the Cold Steel tanto I had in my pocket. Vernon just said, "We are in enough trouble without you killing dogs. Let him bite you."
After paying 50 bucks to the guard for the privilege coming into Canada with guns, she growled at us and told us to get on our way. Obviously our charming ways had cooled her temper enough that we did not have to unload that trailer out on the frozen ground in the 30 below night just to prove a point.
As we walked out the door she disappeared again. I distinctly remember hearing what sounded like the flap of bats wings. Never mind,on the road again.
Well it is now 0300, dark. and cold. We are low on fuel and a little shook up after our encounter with the princess of darkness. On into the Yukon winter night. Stay tuned for the next chapter. DC