In 1954 my father developed a severe case of hemorrhoids. He'd had mild hemorrhoids for several years but in the spring of that year they got really bad, to the point he was in constant pain from them. He was a mechanic for the county at the time and had to do some heavy lifting when working on the road equipment, that made the hemorrhoids worse. He tried every over the counter medicine that was available but none of it helped and had decided to see a doctor and have an operation if one was required.
One of his coworkers and best friends was a man named Lennis Black. Lennis was a good guy but was one of the biggest practical jokers I've ever known, and when he told you something it was best to take it with a grain of salt. The day before my father was going to the doctor he told Lennis and Lennis told him seeing a doctor wasn't necessary, he could tell my dad a surefire way to cure his hemorrhoids. Dad didn't know whether Lennis was BS'ing or not but decided to give it a try before seeing the doctor.
He came home from work that afternoon and told my mother and I what Lennis had said and that he was going to try it. Mom told him it wouldn't work, Lennis was just pulling a prank and he shouldn't listen. Dad wouldn't be deterred though and proceeded to follow the instructions Lennis gave him.
Lennis told him to get some dry wood from a wild cherry tree, cut it into chips, put them in a bucket and burn them until only glowing coals were left. When the chips had burned down to coals, for dad to pull his pants and underwear down, squat over the bucket close enough for the heat to reach his hemorrhoids and stay that way until it got so hot he couldn't stand it. According to Lennis the heat from the cherry wood would make the hemorrhoids shrink and relieve the pain. Mom scolded him unmercifully but dad said he was gonna do it, he had nothing to lose if it didn't work and if it did he would save the money a doctor and operation would cost.
It just happened there was a wild cherry tree in the edge of the woods less that 50 yards from our house. Dad went and picked up a dead limb, brought it back and proceeded to cut it into chips. When he had it cut into chips he got a two gallon lard bucket, put the chips in it and set them on fire.
By the time the chips were burned down to glowing coals it was dusky dark, and the bucket was so hot it glowed red almost to the top. Dad got a concrete block, put it on the back porch where he couldn't be seen from the road and used a stick through the bucket bell to carry it and put it on the block. Then he told mom and I to go inside, he didn't want us watching him. Mom was shaking her head when we got inside and said Dad didn't have a lick of sense listening to Lennis. Just as she finished speaking we heard "<b>eeeee<font size=+1>yaaa</font><font size=+2>waah!</font></b>", a scream so loud the neighbors a couple of hundred yards to the west of us came over to see what happened. Mom and I ran out to see Dad running around in the back yard with his pants and underwear down around his ankles fanning his butt, alternating between groaning and cussing like a sailor.
It took Mom several minutes to calm Dad down and find out just what happened. Dad was big man, 6'3" and 230 or better, but wasn't the most coordinated person around and when he tried to squat over the bucket of hot coals he lost his balance and sat down on the top of it. The bucket was so hot it burned a ring on Dad's as#, uh, posterior, exactly the same size as the top of the two gallon lard bucket. It made a bad burn, mom put some kind of yellow salve on it, she put that salve on everything from wasp stings to sunburns and cuts, but he had a time with it for several days.
He cussed Lennis Black, and himself for listening to him, most of the night and couldn't sit down for a few days but his hemorrhoids got better. A lot better, and within a few months I never heard him mention them again. The part of the entire incident that bothered him the most wasn't the burn, what really bothered him was being called "Ringo" for several years. Whether Lennis's hemorrhoid treatment worked or not is questionable, but Dad died 34 years later believing it did.
One of his coworkers and best friends was a man named Lennis Black. Lennis was a good guy but was one of the biggest practical jokers I've ever known, and when he told you something it was best to take it with a grain of salt. The day before my father was going to the doctor he told Lennis and Lennis told him seeing a doctor wasn't necessary, he could tell my dad a surefire way to cure his hemorrhoids. Dad didn't know whether Lennis was BS'ing or not but decided to give it a try before seeing the doctor.
He came home from work that afternoon and told my mother and I what Lennis had said and that he was going to try it. Mom told him it wouldn't work, Lennis was just pulling a prank and he shouldn't listen. Dad wouldn't be deterred though and proceeded to follow the instructions Lennis gave him.
Lennis told him to get some dry wood from a wild cherry tree, cut it into chips, put them in a bucket and burn them until only glowing coals were left. When the chips had burned down to coals, for dad to pull his pants and underwear down, squat over the bucket close enough for the heat to reach his hemorrhoids and stay that way until it got so hot he couldn't stand it. According to Lennis the heat from the cherry wood would make the hemorrhoids shrink and relieve the pain. Mom scolded him unmercifully but dad said he was gonna do it, he had nothing to lose if it didn't work and if it did he would save the money a doctor and operation would cost.
It just happened there was a wild cherry tree in the edge of the woods less that 50 yards from our house. Dad went and picked up a dead limb, brought it back and proceeded to cut it into chips. When he had it cut into chips he got a two gallon lard bucket, put the chips in it and set them on fire.
By the time the chips were burned down to glowing coals it was dusky dark, and the bucket was so hot it glowed red almost to the top. Dad got a concrete block, put it on the back porch where he couldn't be seen from the road and used a stick through the bucket bell to carry it and put it on the block. Then he told mom and I to go inside, he didn't want us watching him. Mom was shaking her head when we got inside and said Dad didn't have a lick of sense listening to Lennis. Just as she finished speaking we heard "<b>eeeee<font size=+1>yaaa</font><font size=+2>waah!</font></b>", a scream so loud the neighbors a couple of hundred yards to the west of us came over to see what happened. Mom and I ran out to see Dad running around in the back yard with his pants and underwear down around his ankles fanning his butt, alternating between groaning and cussing like a sailor.
It took Mom several minutes to calm Dad down and find out just what happened. Dad was big man, 6'3" and 230 or better, but wasn't the most coordinated person around and when he tried to squat over the bucket of hot coals he lost his balance and sat down on the top of it. The bucket was so hot it burned a ring on Dad's as#, uh, posterior, exactly the same size as the top of the two gallon lard bucket. It made a bad burn, mom put some kind of yellow salve on it, she put that salve on everything from wasp stings to sunburns and cuts, but he had a time with it for several days.
He cussed Lennis Black, and himself for listening to him, most of the night and couldn't sit down for a few days but his hemorrhoids got better. A lot better, and within a few months I never heard him mention them again. The part of the entire incident that bothered him the most wasn't the burn, what really bothered him was being called "Ringo" for several years. Whether Lennis's hemorrhoid treatment worked or not is questionable, but Dad died 34 years later believing it did.
Funny, funny story !
Sorry to laugh at his misfortune but that musta made a funny sight. Glad the remedy worked!