> TEXAS Chili Cook-Off
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
> first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
> those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They
> actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
> takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
>
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
> from Springfield , IL .
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to
> the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer
> during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
> me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> all of the beer.
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
> maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
> starting to look
> HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impessive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
> lips off. It really ticks me
> off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
> will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> except that Sally.
> Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
> about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
> Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
> any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> Not sure if he's going
> to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
> chili?
>
> Judge # 3 - No Report
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
> first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
> those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They
> actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
> takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
>
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
> from Springfield , IL .
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to
> the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer
> during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
> me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> all of the beer.
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
> maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
> starting to look
> HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impessive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
> lips off. It really ticks me
> off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
> will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> except that Sally.
> Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
> about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
> Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
> any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> Not sure if he's going
> to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
> chili?
>
> Judge # 3 - No Report