4EverHis102399
New member
Let me start by saying that I have felt like I needed to share this for some time, maybe even in our church, but I am hesitant. Our daughter is adopted...some of you know this and some probably don't. A huge part of my testimony revolves around our adoption and even though it is part of my life, it IS my daughter's sotry as well. It is sensitive, and while I pray she will grow to accept and love the way our family came about, I have no guarantee that she will want to talk about our acknowledge her adoption. As of now, she is accepting and being adopted is "normal" for her. Because of respecting her, I am VERY hesitant to share this at church. So here goes.....
Travis and I met 16 years ago. We were young but both had a past. We immediately fell in love; we wanted nothing more than to be together and start a family. In two months, much to the surprise of our parents, we were engaged. Before our marriage, I found that I had some physical issues that would make it almost impossible to have children. Talk about devastated. I bawled, prayed, and felt very unworthy of being loved by Travis. I even remember asking him to find someone else. Even at such a young age, I could feel his need to be a father--he possessed every trait needed to be an awesome father.....protectiveness, honestly, tenderness, strength, etc. He loved me through it. We talked about adoption. It struck me how utterly odd it was that a 18 and 21 year old unmarried couple were speaking of adoption, yet it felt okay. As odd as our situation was, I knew that GOD was preparing us for the future. We could have tried some medical options, but just really didn't feel let to do so. Fast forward a year and we were married. The first few years of marriage were wonderful and rough all at the same time. Adoption is VERY expensive and the options were overwhelming...would we do domestic or internation adoption....did we want a newborn or older child....sibling group or single child? Then the choice of being accepting of children exposed to teratogens in the womb. We prayed...a lot. During this time, I continued to struggle with something that no one could fix but GOD. I felt at peace with the decision to adopt, but I was very, very broken inside. At this point, fear and anxiety began to rule my life. Everything was scary.....would we every really have a child? Was my supportive husband deep down disappointed that he wouldn't have a biological child? I had so many doubts and fears. My anxiety and fear manifested itself by way of rebellion. I simply didn't want to go to church, didn't want to submit to Travis in various ways, I hated my job....nothing felt right anymore. My anxiety soon ruled my life, but I struggled to appear normal and try to hide it. At this time, I wasn't a Christian. Much earlier in my life, I had felt pushed to go forward and accept Christ, but it was absolutely a counterfit experience.
We spent a couple year researching agencies and we felt led to an agency in our home state that placed newborns born in-state. It was outrageously expensive. I saved my complete salary for a full year and that still wasn't enough, but we decided to move forward. We were matched with a young lady who was due to have a son. She was 5 months along. We met her, saw pictures of our soon to be son and life was good. Still, I felt something was wrong. On Oct 31, 2005, our match fell apart. I was at work when we lost this child. I honestly thought I was going to die on the spot. To me, this child was our son. He had a beautiful name, a nursery and a permanent place in my heart. Travis was off that day and he came to work and held me. I sobbed like the emotional train wreck I was. I knew at that moment, I would NEVER be the same again. I couldn't have a biological child and evidently (in my mind) God didn't want us to adopt either. I was ashamed as I told my parents about losing the baby. They were devastated and at that moment, I ended the journey of adoption. I had heard stories of the adoption roller coaster, but thought we would make it. We had failed and I was done. Our agency was understanding...they were sorry about the money we had lost and about the child. They ask we take some time off to heal and then start the process again. In my sick state of pain, I laughed. Laughter covers up emotions, but Travis knew. My hair was falling out, I couldn't sleep, my smoking habit (which I promised I would kick) was worse than ever. I tried to pray, but I was just too big of a mess. Travis kept telling me he knew our child was coming from that agency...he felt a peace. I was floored and angry. I felt like he wasn't even hurt by the loss. We had many people praying for us. Slowly, I began to feel convicted about something. Submission. I guess I need to step back for a second. As I was growing up, both my parents were workaholics. Both had stressful job and we had a large family farm as well. I was the oldest of three girls and I had more responsibility than most children. From the beginning, I was hopelessly analytical and fiercly independent. While neither of these traits are necessarily bad, they were not good for my marriage. As much as I loved Travis, I felt like I was intelligent and could make things happen on my own. I was beginning to understand that my way was not GOD's way. Travis was desperately wanting to restart the adoption process and I knew for his sake and healing, I needed to do this. I wanted nothing to do with the heartache, but I felt GOD drawing me saying.....listen to your husband.
During our adoption process, I had started a journal. It was to be given to our child....it contained information about our adoption and also documented the emotional roller coaster of the process. I stopped writing on Oct. 31st. On Dec. 23rd, I felt compelled to pick it up. I remember my entry clearly....it was two lines...It was 1 Samuel 1:27 I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted what I ask of him. I laid the journal down and went to sleep. That night, I dreamt of a lovely little girl in a pale pink dress. Her hair was long and blonde and she had the most extraordinary blue eyes I'd ever seen. I could hear her laughing. I woke up and told Travis about her. He laughed and said, "That's just what you are hoping for, don't make too much of it." Again, despite my fears, something was happening. I decided I had to trust and take a leap of faith. On December 29th, I called our agency and with a deep breath and a few tears, I ask them to put us back in the game. I got off the phone and threw up. I called Travis and told him I was going to be submissive and had called the agency. He was speechless. Oddly, I felt relieved...for once, I was bowing out and letting GOD take control. On Jan. 5th, I was at work. The phone rang and it was our agency. They were calling with a situation. A baby girl had been born, she was at a hospital an hour away and needed to come home the next day. She appeared healthy, but she had been exposed to some nasty drugs and had no prenatal care. Would be be interested? I couldn't even speak. A girl, already born.....a miracle. I called Travis and he said yes, we will take her. I called the agency back and said we would like to be considered. It wasn't a done deal. Our profile, along with several others would be shown and if the mother was interested, we would be contacted. I was cautiously optimistic, but really didn't expect a call. While I tried to work, I remembered my dream...was GOD really giving me this little girl? I also couldn't help but marvel at his timing. The little boy we lost was due Feb 26th....could we actually be given a child sooner than we had hoped. Also, after looking at the dates, we had started our adoption process 9 months to the day before getting this call. I couldn't help but giggle, in some way, I felt like GOD had given us a pregnancy. An hour later, the phone rang. My mother was standing beside me and I heard the words, "Liz, you have a daughter and I hear she is amazing" "Get in the car, you have to come NOW!" My knees buckled and I hit the ground. Our case worker is a Christian lady and she was waiting for me to officially accept the placement, but I couldn't answer her. Finally I mumbled, THANK YOU JESUS. She said, I'll see you at the hospital and laughed.
Travis and I drove to the hospital in a fog. We met Loren's birthmom and in a matter of minutes were whisked off to meet our daughter. I had often worried about have the "feeling" that mother's often describe when seeing their child for the first time. I silently prayed that I could be the best mom possible to her. When Loren was wheeled in, she took my breath away. Nearly 8 years later, she still takes my breath away. GOD's hand has been all over her. I have a pictures of her at 3 1/2 years ago and she is the very image of the child in my dreams. She shares the same rare blood type and rh factor that Travis does, has his eyes and has no ill-effects from her drug exposure. She is intelligent and our daily reminder of what a truly loving GOD we serve.
No longer do I struggle with submission, LOL. I really don't know if this will touch anyone, but I do feel like I am being obedient by posting this. I want to publicly thank GOD for all he has done for us. If he NEVER does anything else for me, it's okay.
Travis and I met 16 years ago. We were young but both had a past. We immediately fell in love; we wanted nothing more than to be together and start a family. In two months, much to the surprise of our parents, we were engaged. Before our marriage, I found that I had some physical issues that would make it almost impossible to have children. Talk about devastated. I bawled, prayed, and felt very unworthy of being loved by Travis. I even remember asking him to find someone else. Even at such a young age, I could feel his need to be a father--he possessed every trait needed to be an awesome father.....protectiveness, honestly, tenderness, strength, etc. He loved me through it. We talked about adoption. It struck me how utterly odd it was that a 18 and 21 year old unmarried couple were speaking of adoption, yet it felt okay. As odd as our situation was, I knew that GOD was preparing us for the future. We could have tried some medical options, but just really didn't feel let to do so. Fast forward a year and we were married. The first few years of marriage were wonderful and rough all at the same time. Adoption is VERY expensive and the options were overwhelming...would we do domestic or internation adoption....did we want a newborn or older child....sibling group or single child? Then the choice of being accepting of children exposed to teratogens in the womb. We prayed...a lot. During this time, I continued to struggle with something that no one could fix but GOD. I felt at peace with the decision to adopt, but I was very, very broken inside. At this point, fear and anxiety began to rule my life. Everything was scary.....would we every really have a child? Was my supportive husband deep down disappointed that he wouldn't have a biological child? I had so many doubts and fears. My anxiety and fear manifested itself by way of rebellion. I simply didn't want to go to church, didn't want to submit to Travis in various ways, I hated my job....nothing felt right anymore. My anxiety soon ruled my life, but I struggled to appear normal and try to hide it. At this time, I wasn't a Christian. Much earlier in my life, I had felt pushed to go forward and accept Christ, but it was absolutely a counterfit experience.
We spent a couple year researching agencies and we felt led to an agency in our home state that placed newborns born in-state. It was outrageously expensive. I saved my complete salary for a full year and that still wasn't enough, but we decided to move forward. We were matched with a young lady who was due to have a son. She was 5 months along. We met her, saw pictures of our soon to be son and life was good. Still, I felt something was wrong. On Oct 31, 2005, our match fell apart. I was at work when we lost this child. I honestly thought I was going to die on the spot. To me, this child was our son. He had a beautiful name, a nursery and a permanent place in my heart. Travis was off that day and he came to work and held me. I sobbed like the emotional train wreck I was. I knew at that moment, I would NEVER be the same again. I couldn't have a biological child and evidently (in my mind) God didn't want us to adopt either. I was ashamed as I told my parents about losing the baby. They were devastated and at that moment, I ended the journey of adoption. I had heard stories of the adoption roller coaster, but thought we would make it. We had failed and I was done. Our agency was understanding...they were sorry about the money we had lost and about the child. They ask we take some time off to heal and then start the process again. In my sick state of pain, I laughed. Laughter covers up emotions, but Travis knew. My hair was falling out, I couldn't sleep, my smoking habit (which I promised I would kick) was worse than ever. I tried to pray, but I was just too big of a mess. Travis kept telling me he knew our child was coming from that agency...he felt a peace. I was floored and angry. I felt like he wasn't even hurt by the loss. We had many people praying for us. Slowly, I began to feel convicted about something. Submission. I guess I need to step back for a second. As I was growing up, both my parents were workaholics. Both had stressful job and we had a large family farm as well. I was the oldest of three girls and I had more responsibility than most children. From the beginning, I was hopelessly analytical and fiercly independent. While neither of these traits are necessarily bad, they were not good for my marriage. As much as I loved Travis, I felt like I was intelligent and could make things happen on my own. I was beginning to understand that my way was not GOD's way. Travis was desperately wanting to restart the adoption process and I knew for his sake and healing, I needed to do this. I wanted nothing to do with the heartache, but I felt GOD drawing me saying.....listen to your husband.
During our adoption process, I had started a journal. It was to be given to our child....it contained information about our adoption and also documented the emotional roller coaster of the process. I stopped writing on Oct. 31st. On Dec. 23rd, I felt compelled to pick it up. I remember my entry clearly....it was two lines...It was 1 Samuel 1:27 I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted what I ask of him. I laid the journal down and went to sleep. That night, I dreamt of a lovely little girl in a pale pink dress. Her hair was long and blonde and she had the most extraordinary blue eyes I'd ever seen. I could hear her laughing. I woke up and told Travis about her. He laughed and said, "That's just what you are hoping for, don't make too much of it." Again, despite my fears, something was happening. I decided I had to trust and take a leap of faith. On December 29th, I called our agency and with a deep breath and a few tears, I ask them to put us back in the game. I got off the phone and threw up. I called Travis and told him I was going to be submissive and had called the agency. He was speechless. Oddly, I felt relieved...for once, I was bowing out and letting GOD take control. On Jan. 5th, I was at work. The phone rang and it was our agency. They were calling with a situation. A baby girl had been born, she was at a hospital an hour away and needed to come home the next day. She appeared healthy, but she had been exposed to some nasty drugs and had no prenatal care. Would be be interested? I couldn't even speak. A girl, already born.....a miracle. I called Travis and he said yes, we will take her. I called the agency back and said we would like to be considered. It wasn't a done deal. Our profile, along with several others would be shown and if the mother was interested, we would be contacted. I was cautiously optimistic, but really didn't expect a call. While I tried to work, I remembered my dream...was GOD really giving me this little girl? I also couldn't help but marvel at his timing. The little boy we lost was due Feb 26th....could we actually be given a child sooner than we had hoped. Also, after looking at the dates, we had started our adoption process 9 months to the day before getting this call. I couldn't help but giggle, in some way, I felt like GOD had given us a pregnancy. An hour later, the phone rang. My mother was standing beside me and I heard the words, "Liz, you have a daughter and I hear she is amazing" "Get in the car, you have to come NOW!" My knees buckled and I hit the ground. Our case worker is a Christian lady and she was waiting for me to officially accept the placement, but I couldn't answer her. Finally I mumbled, THANK YOU JESUS. She said, I'll see you at the hospital and laughed.
Travis and I drove to the hospital in a fog. We met Loren's birthmom and in a matter of minutes were whisked off to meet our daughter. I had often worried about have the "feeling" that mother's often describe when seeing their child for the first time. I silently prayed that I could be the best mom possible to her. When Loren was wheeled in, she took my breath away. Nearly 8 years later, she still takes my breath away. GOD's hand has been all over her. I have a pictures of her at 3 1/2 years ago and she is the very image of the child in my dreams. She shares the same rare blood type and rh factor that Travis does, has his eyes and has no ill-effects from her drug exposure. She is intelligent and our daily reminder of what a truly loving GOD we serve.
No longer do I struggle with submission, LOL. I really don't know if this will touch anyone, but I do feel like I am being obedient by posting this. I want to publicly thank GOD for all he has done for us. If he NEVER does anything else for me, it's okay.
Ma