Dear President Bush, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and any other relevent Congressional Members or Federal Agencies as this might apply:
You may remember me. I'm one of the many millions who voted you into office...twice and have generally supported you in most of your actions from the Oval Office. In fact, I've never missed ANY elections since I was 18. My reason for writing is that I'm planning an extended trip with my immediate and extended family (plus maybe a neighborhood friend or two...all Republican voters) to Mexico and I would like to ask you to assist me.
I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, so transportation help is not needed. But I do need to make a few arrangements prior to our departure. I know you can help with this.
First of all, I plan to skip all the legal stuff (mere inconveniences, it seems) like visas, passports, meeting immigration quotas or obeying laws pertaining to non-Mexican visitors. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your good buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Thanks, in advance, by the way.
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car and have a gigantic celebration this coming July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals. That would surely be a racist act.
12. I would also like to have a nice job, paying at least eight times what I might get here, without paying any taxes...oh, and don't enforce any labor or tax laws while you're at it.
13. Please tell all the people in Mexico to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy as such acts surely violate my civil rights and liberties.
14. If any Mexicans should prove hostile, please make arrangements with Pres. Fox to award us all their physical property and worldly possessions.
15. And don't worry about providing me with any trash pickup as I move about in Mexico, I'll just leave things where they fall.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with Dick.
Thank you so much, yet again, for your kind help.
Art Abshire
US Army (Retired)
You may remember me. I'm one of the many millions who voted you into office...twice and have generally supported you in most of your actions from the Oval Office. In fact, I've never missed ANY elections since I was 18. My reason for writing is that I'm planning an extended trip with my immediate and extended family (plus maybe a neighborhood friend or two...all Republican voters) to Mexico and I would like to ask you to assist me.
I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, so transportation help is not needed. But I do need to make a few arrangements prior to our departure. I know you can help with this.
First of all, I plan to skip all the legal stuff (mere inconveniences, it seems) like visas, passports, meeting immigration quotas or obeying laws pertaining to non-Mexican visitors. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your good buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Thanks, in advance, by the way.
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car and have a gigantic celebration this coming July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals. That would surely be a racist act.
12. I would also like to have a nice job, paying at least eight times what I might get here, without paying any taxes...oh, and don't enforce any labor or tax laws while you're at it.
13. Please tell all the people in Mexico to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy as such acts surely violate my civil rights and liberties.
14. If any Mexicans should prove hostile, please make arrangements with Pres. Fox to award us all their physical property and worldly possessions.
15. And don't worry about providing me with any trash pickup as I move about in Mexico, I'll just leave things where they fall.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with Dick.
Thank you so much, yet again, for your kind help.
Art Abshire
US Army (Retired)